Violated.

I had a situation a couple of weeks ago, where a friend made strong comments and shared stories that were above the rapport of our friendship. My words, chastising as I thought, were not strong enough to stop him from violating who I was. Though his physical actions remained in check, his demeanor, tone, words, and innuendoes left me squirming inside. Feeling completely used and uncomfortable in my own skin. Eventually, I melted and cried over the whole episode to two friends, still feeling inner angst and disgust. Wanting to be clean of his use.

This morning, I was working in my classroom when someone came over and made a few comments that left me uncomfortable. I just shook my head, thought he was creepy, and walked away. But then this afternoon, he came back. He came back with looks in his eyes and gestures in his figure and words about me "messing with him" that left me again, crawling inside, wishing there was more places to hide, and wondering what it is that calls for me to be violated.

I stood at a cash register today, grabbing a bottle of herbal pills, with little else on my mind. A man came in and stood close up behind me, then loudly bursted words about other types of pill usage that I wouldn't even repeat here. I tensed and stood my ground, not wanting to turn around or look at the faces of him or the male cashier. Just handed my dollar bills. But the awkward silence stayed until the man made another comment. Then the cashier played into it too, using words I would blush at even in front of girlfriends. I just grabbed my wallet and stared at the floor and said nothing until the cashier said, "Wait, do you two know each other?" The male customer said, "No, not yet, but I'm working on that." And I frantically just said, "Uh, this is awkward" and strode out the door. Again, cringing, crawling inside, feeling violated.

I'm not his. I'm not theirs. I'm Gods. I'm future husbands. I'm my own. This body is not a figure, not a thought, not a piece of something for any of them to think beyond that. But their looks, their words, leave me cringing inside and creepy in my own skin. Wondering and praying and reviewing my words, my actions, my dress, what it is that I've called for that would bring this obtrusive behavior.

I think of the words of Paul in I Corinthians, "You are not your own, you are bought with a price..." (6:19-20). And how that price of of the Lords and the man I will be with. No one else gets to chip away at the dowry. No one else should put up betting terms. Paul commands: "The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife" (I Corinthians 7:4).

These men have chosen, stolen, the opportunity to abuse this command. They have taken something not their own, whether in word or look or gesture, and made it feel used, cheap, and violated. Today, they violated me.