Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Now They Know.

I strolled through the slender passageway, overgrown with trees and shrubs, a galley of greenery connecting the park to church. My head and heart felt it: the last Sunday I could hide. The last Sunday I could walk around the people, duck through the grounds, or peer like a peaking child amongst people. It was the last Sunday I would be, could be, anonymous.

Because after this, I would be known.

After tonight (Tuesday), they would know my story.

They would see me across the atrium and think: That's her: that's the girl who lost her mom. And forever I will be labeled that way. From here on, those who faces I don't know, will know mine. And they will know a slice of my story.

There is a great act of vulnerability that comes in that. A great surrender. A great giving of the private, inward self that allows the tenderist of moments to be exposed, the weakest of emotions to be revealed, the rawest memories to be disclosed.

I watched the large screen show my face as tears welled and poured over from my eyes, emotions seeping through. His words of surrender to me, "[Be willing to] Let God use you," were placed as a seal on my heart.

I could hear their weeping, some louder than mine. Feel Trish's hand clasping my fingers and Kara's warmth on my back. And I knew the weight of their emotions, the cognitive pairing of the woman on the screen and me.

And I thought, "Now they know."

Now they know a piece of my story. Now they know the deepest of worlds. Now they know...

Me.

And though feeling embarrassingly exposed,

I also felt freed.

Loved and known and hugged and accepted,

But now a with a more fuller love

Because now they know

Me.

On Holy Ground.

"We're standing on holy ground..." The chorus reminisced through my mind all night, hearing the slow beat of an old piano and voices gathering within ancient doors. "We're standing on hoy ground..." The sound of the old hymn bringing me to ages past.

And present. As I looked around, I saw the toppings of a female meal: daisies basketed and sunflowers sprouting. Mason and ball jars overflowing with feathering flowers and peanuts alike. Checkered table clothes and denim fabric. Bandanas tied and sweet tea poured. Candles enchanting and music playing. The Women's Event: Fall Kick Off.

Surrounded by all the necessary "frills" of the event, the entire gathering space was mesmerizing. But it was more than that. I stood next to a woman who seemed lost, looking for a table to belong, and asked her how I could assist. She simply said, "I'm okay. I don't know where to go, but this is a safe place." A safe place. Could a woman's event ask for more of a compliment than that? A safe place.

And yet, I still say yes. Because I still hear the hymn. Because beyond the places set with bows tied and devotionals placed, I heard voices. I heard women worshipping. I saw hands raised. I watched hugs exchanged, tears cried, hearts opened, testimonies given. I stood, on Holy Ground.

A woman's event is so much more than a woman's event; it's holy ground.

And tonight, I stood on Holy Ground.







Sunday, September 25, 2011

Weekends Are For...

Rest.

Faith.
World Vision,
Embraced family friend.
Coming Home.
Mark.
Bon Fires.
Smoky stares.
Laughing; Mick.
Bed.
Friends.

Morning Mist.
Amelies.
Permission from friend.
Being alone.
Winsome Uptown.
Streets.
Strolling.
Quiet.
Me.

Rain.
Running.
Running in Rain.
Laughing.
Laughing while
Running in Rain.

Rest.
Sleep.
Afternoon TV.

Dinner.
Dates.
Dresses.
Mark.
Merlot.
Salmon.

Sleeping.
Doe-eyed.
Morning.
Making Bread.
Sipping
Solitude.

Rest.
Me.


Friday, September 23, 2011

Tea With My Mom.

I need to have tea with my mom. To sit with her, hear wisdom, perspective, and linger. To feel that sense of love and belonging that is only felt within the safety of her space.

I remember a day in March, two and a half years ago. It was the only day, the only time, I can remember doing this. I was so exhausted from teaching, so worn out from life, that I drove after school straight to her Victorian farmhouse home. She walked around the counter, saw me at the door, wiped her hands on her apron, and hugged me. Surprised to see me, it being four in the afternoon, she knew my heart and head were full, tousled.

So she stopped her baking and cooking. Set aside her recipes, her plans, her day, and stood still with me. We stayed in the kitchen for a few minutes. Me, trying to act like everything was fine. But her, knowing to read between the lines of my face and words. And then, she suggested we have tea.

So two cups were stirred, rich tea steaming out the pot, strings like dainty delicacy down the side. And she looked at me, led me to the porch, and I knew she felt my heart, and that I just needed to sit.

The porch was yellow. Sunshine yellow. With big floral patterns in spaces, brown wicker with overstuffed cushions, bright colored settings, and the Front Porches coffee table book I had bought for her a year before. Tea pots hung like lanterns from the walls, birdhouses to be exact, and the new, yet worn cabinet chested cups and saucers and petals and papers.

She settled in across from me, and sighed in her listening, contented, mother-like sound. And waited.

I wanted to act like everything was fine. I wanted to keep it all pulled together. To look and appear perfect and whole. But she knew more. She knew I wouldn't have come here if I wasn't in need of her. If I didn't desire for that mother-heart of hers. That love, that nurture. That holding of me.

And so I started, "I just can't do it all... I'm just so tired inside..." I began to cry, feeling the weight of my heart, and then in guilt began again, "I know people have harder lives than me... I know people are dying today, starving, or raising children on their own..."

I don't remember the rest of this conversation. I just remember her loving me and knowing me and caring about me. But I do I remember one thing she said, one thing that I have held on to. "It's okay. It's okay to feel sad today. Yes, people are dying of disease in Africa. Yes, people are getting divorced and hurting. But that doesn't change that today, you just feel sad and you just feel bad. It's okay."

It was the first time I had ever heard her say that, ever felt her let me be okay with hurting. Ever let me crumble without being strong. But I remember it, I remember the gift of that.

And I remember this day, this tea with mom. This place of rest and safety and love. This place where she walks around corners and smiles, and wipes her apron and sighs, and hugs and bakes and lets me be. This place where I am me, and I am loved, and I am having tea with my mom.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Chase.

From my original blog, June 24, 2011. I need to hear it again... Maybe you do too...

~~~

Phone call to make. Email to return. Text to write. Vacation to plan. Food to prepare. Dress to buy. Weekday dinner. Game night. Worship venue. Coffee date. Football score. Road trip. Book Club. Dance party. Family outing. Tuesday study. World news. Facebook invite. Cute guy. Church women. Breakfast fare.

Running. Chasing.

Torn piece to piece, in pieces. Life scattered. Segmented. Pulled. Lured. Drawn.

We're like threads on a net, the end caught to unravel, slipping away at grasp, maintaining no hold because of its lucrative power to seduce and secure so many directions.

I dial cell phone. I scan Facebook. I scour email. I propose text. I schedule plans.

All to which purpose, to which end?

These things, hoping and aiming to connect me to so many, instead pull me away. Because the directions all yank so severely that I am everywhere and no where, with everyone and no one, all at the same time. I chase.

I run the race, tangle in the vines.

Caught by good things, great parties, glad conversations. Nonethless, still caught.

He has called me to run this race for Him. To keep His heart, my focus. His pleadings, my will. His dictation, my life. His hope, my freedom.

"Throw off everything that hinders" Hebrews 12:1 states, petitioning me to take note and grapple.

Perhaps, what hinders, are good things. Good relationships, good events, good plans. But so much good causes little fulfillment in distraction.

I chase toward Him, yet divert my eyes and awareness as billboards like post-it notes line my path: text back, align time, check calendar, make room, purchase item. My eyes, my schedule, my thoughts distract my heart.

So perhaps there is a place where the chase becomes a pursual of so much good, it returns bad. And then the chase isn't really a chase at all, it's a repetitious swerve, jumping this way and that to end no where at all.

A few months ago, I started a new mantra: "Say no to good things." Because I found myself overbooked and unaware and empty of God as I tried to seek Him and others through so many avenues. So I had to learn, to reteach, to say no. To block time and place and space to simply be. That being, then, instead becomes the greater Chase. The chase towards Him.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Thankful for Perspective.

I am thankful for the perspective gained today from my classroom. From discussions on modern slavery. And gaining, again, the passion against injustice. The eyes for beyond me.

I am thankful for perspective. As I am caught up in planning the perfect day, or composing the most captivating lesson, or being the most intimate of friends....

I am given instead, perspective. That people live in poverty. That people live chained. That people lived lonely. That people live so much different, so much harder, so much more involved, than me.

I am thankful for perspective. To take me out of my box. Out of my emotions. Out of my world. And see more. See His world. His heartbeat. His care. His people. To see more than me. To see Him; We.

Today, I am thankful for perspective.

Agents of Change.

Agents of Change: Perspective in the Battle; Perspective in the Classroom; Perspective in the World.

We sat in a circle. All 34 of us. Closely knit already, woven like friendships and family more than students and teacher. Our desks, touching our papers spread.

I handed out packets, pencils in their hands, the study of history aside, and began: “Slavery exists in the world today. Their eyes looked up. In your lifetime, slavery exists. There are 27 million people who are slaves right this moment, in this world. That is more than the time of Abraham Lincoln. More than anytime in history.” And their eyes held mine.

I went on to tell a story, about a friend of mine in India, being offered a man’s daughter, a four year old girl, for a dollar. For sex. I read a paragraph from the packet, accosting them with the price of slaves: $25 dollars today. They were $40,000 in the Antebellum South ($1,000 equivalent to $40,000 today).

They stared. Speechless. I told them about a friend in Southeast Asia, who saw young girls stored underground until nighttime fell and men came to defile them. About fathers in Africa who offer their daughters a better life in the city, only to be betrayed by the lure of the businessmen.

They write their responses. Quiet and pensive, but scrolling on paper: How could someone do something like this with no sorrow or regrets?” I am horrified; I feel sad and angry, shocked.”

We read sentences. Stories. Lives. Reality of fingers cut off, wrists hung and torn, skin mangled to smell of rotten flesh. The quotes of those who remain scare our own emotions, as we listen to theirs: “God created me to be a slave, just as he created a camel to be a camel. I am no star; I’m just a whore. That’s all.” “For ten years, I had no one to laugh with. For ten years, nobody loved me.”

The room is still. Quiet. Angst and anticipation crowd the corners. The students say nothing, do little except stare at me and their work, unable to respond, to answer. Tears threaten a few. My own heart pounds out beats. They pencil thoughts: “How can people come in and murder people? The kid name the rest – innocent men, women, and children alike?” “To slaves that slaves were hurt is an understatement. People fix cars of bikes better than they fix their slaves…These slaves are tortured, mutilated, punished so severe…”

I linger slowly, punctually over facts: details of capture, torture, selling, holding. I assign the paragraph: “Serious punishment includes the feared ‘insect treatment’ in which tiny ants are stuffed into a slave’s ears, and the ears are then bound tightly by a scarf. The slave is left tied u for several days, after which, Human Rights Watch says, the slave will do what he or she is told.”

I speak about 485 and 77, the junction between two major highways near us, and display the article from the Charlotte Observer about it’s slave passageway; its transfer of human life. She speaks: “Why are we not doing more to stop it?”

We are cold, hardened; now hurting. We are shocked, softened. We are perplexed, purposeful.

I stop. Pause. Breathe.

I armor them. My world changers: my warriors against battles I cannot fight alone. I give them places to be more. To be greater than a student in a desk, an adolescent in their home. Organizations, people, places to join with, to fight with.

So we start today. World changing. Going from content to coin collecting. Gathering a jar of coins to fight modern slavery. Loose Change to Loosen Chains. More than an issue. More than a reading. More than a class period.

We are more. We are students. We are agents. We are agents of change.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Courage.

Courage is the ability to do hard things.
It's the push, the focus, the strength.
It's knowing, and deciding, something is needed
And moving forward into it.

Courage is calling the person
Even when you don't want to hear their voice.
Courage is choosing your motions
Even when your emotions contradict.
Courage is carefully crafting a response
Even when you want to say the other.
Courage is walking into it
Even when you want to walk out.

Courage is standing in the gap
For those who feel helpless.
Courage is walking into injustice
For those who will tell the stories.
Courage is fighting for whats right
For those who are wronged.
Courage is taking the shield
For those who are too battered.

Courage is grabbing a hand
When you lament to admit it.
Courage is allowing help
When you struggle to ask for it.
Courage is conceding
When you fight to submit to it.
Courage is allowing love
When you chasten against it.

Courage is waiting
Listening
Praying
Relying
Finding
Releasing
Living.

Courage is everything about
Those days.
These days.
Those days of yonder.
These days I'm in.
The days to come.

Courage.

~~
One of my life passages is Joshua 1, where the LORD repeatedly attempts to armor his people, and Joshua, with "Be strong and courageous." So many times, this passage has been my shield, my sword, my steadfast. Still today, these days, it brings strength to my bones, surrender to my spirit, and solidness to my soul. For each time the LORD says it to Joshua, it becomes louder, bolder, more prominent. I too have learned these tender, battle words to be the same.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. For the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1: 9

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Rosemary and Peppers.



Wedges of grilled chicken, tossed with slices of green peppers, halves of juicy cherry tomatoes, and slivers of red onion. Doused with rosemary garlic specialty blend, drops of olive oil, and flames... and you have.... dinner...


Pair with Pino Grigio, blogging, and a roommate-night movie, and you have: a heart at rest.

Weekends Are For...

One of my favorite blog authors, Ann Voskamp, always writes "Weekends Are For..." and submits a short post, about what weekends are made for.

For me, these last two

Weekends were made for...

Teacups and Napkins
Gardens and strolls
Pictures in ponds
Tabletops for six
Dancing in Bookstores
Pjs on couches
Omelets and fruit
TV and tivo
Jewelery and golfing
Girly and giggled.

Airplanes and wine
Road trips by Jeep
Bekah and Ryan
Baby Hannah lapped
Red Pepper Quiche
Sauteed potatoes
Pumpkin spice muffins.

Drives down Homerich
Dad in the kitchen
Jaxson with fishes
Family on the pontoon
Kaylin on my shoulders
Kelly taking pictures
Mark in a suit.

Lanterns from rooftops
Wood ceilings and floors
Unity in candles
Songs and Speeches
Night-chilled air
Open top patios
Laura loosely there (wink, wink)
Stones for skipping
Business pants rolled
Laughter at tables
Boas 'round necks
Dancing and photos.

Coffee and muffins
Midst in the air
Drives down backroads
Tears at airports
Hugs upon arriving
Coming home.

Weekends are made for...
Me. You. These. Memories.









With Me, Mark, Morning.

I looked at him, aware of the absolute bliss and blessing of the morning, and smiled, peacefully, heart content, filled. "I never thought dating could be this good."

We sat as two, the waves gently lapping against the quiet shoreline. Eight am midst rising from the lake, covering dunes and wooded hills like the Amazon rainforest, our feet dusted with sand. We arose early, tidied our luggage, and packed the jeep, driving to downtown Holland for breakfast-to-go. A few minutes later, we meandered through dune grass, catching moments with my camera, and marveling at the scenic, picturesque beauty.

I smiled, laughed, soaked it in.

We wandered down to the beach, plodding through thick white dust, arriving at the vacant coast. Except a single old log, driftwood lazed up from the sea. Coffee cozied in hand, we started the day. Morning with muffins, doughy with freshness and plumped with blueberries; with cinnamon rolls, drizzled with icing and wrapped round goodness. With seagulls and ships fogged in view, with walkers and wanders clicking for pics, with goodness and quiet nesting us two.

With Mark, and with Me: Morning.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Date with Jesus.

I have coffee dates, dinner dates, Mark dates. I design dates with faculty, with students, with administrators. I create dates through phone, texts, and email. I pursue and plan and pour myself out everywhere, to everyone, about everything.

But tonight, I inwardly shelter back, covering, for a Date with Jesus. I sit strumming through the keys first, plodding to unwind my anxious thoughts, then let the rhythm of it overtake me and settle me. I look, lingering toward my piano, and await the ivory under my finger tips. I soften at the thought of pulling out my readings and journal and cards for prayer. Ready to unravel. Ready to be present. Ready to be dressed interally for him, bride of Christ. Ready to be on a date with Jesus.

Teaching High School.

You know you teach high school when you spend chunks of your day filing out student job references, internship recommendations, college application sections, peer tutor forms, drivers Ed academic progress reports, scholarship sheets, etc. Then you run staff campaigns, clubs, and chart forms and receipts. Oh and don't forget the last minute blood drive meeting, EC paperwork, hall patrol, and the meeting downtown. If that isn't enough, you'll also get asked to coach powder puff football, organize an office, and judge the talent show. All in two days. At least a student brought me breakfast this morning! :)

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Hold Back Secrets.

I feel like I have to hold back secrets. Like the pressure of them build in my chest, wishing to be known. Secrets reside inside me, wishing to be given, waiting to be explored, gifted by the closest of friends, and held within them too. Yet this is my new art, my new pain, this pain, of holding back secrets.

For two years, I felt (I feel) like I have to hold back secrets. Hold back secrets of death and drunk driving, of dad, of court room trials, of media frenzies. Of the mess that exploded, tore. Of the pain that ripped through the veins of my family, shredding each piece and leaving us like strangled survivors. Hurting, broken, often ignored.

For two years, most couldn't hear them. Still today, most ignore. Adults shutter to listen to a court trial, to hearing my dad give words at the stand. They turn aside at descriptions of funerals and flowers and phone calls. They jumble at facts of family choices, of beating words, of lawyer conversations.

Very few people are able to hold my secrets. But they do. They listen to my coursing, they carry my pain. They let me curse and swear and yell and wail. They know the facts of jail and prisons. They acknowledge stories of sidewalk standing and stiffed speaking. They listen to me, this girl without an identity, taken away as daughter and mother and family and best friend.

These are the secrets I hold, for two years. Rarely heard, hardly held.

There's new secrets now, which some are hardened to. Finding instead themselves jadded or walled or wishing against my joy. They choose not to mourn, nor to rejoice. They find themselves sheltered by their own pain, and not wishing to enter my story. I feel the tenseness of their words, their stiffened reactions, their pulling away. I have secrets now too, good secrets, wishing and wanting for the willing to come within.

To those who hold those secrets with me, thank you for being. For being present amidst joy and pain. For giving, allowing, releasing what's within me. For being the steadfast, the friend, the beloved Jesus to me. Thank you for catching and capturing goodness, for caring and trusting, for being Love into me. Thank you for coming into my world so I no longer have to hold back all secrets.

Come Into My World by Amy Grant:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPRWat6OeSg

Morning in the Mountains.

I'm wrapped in my Mother's blanket, the quilted garnet one that she cherished. It folds all into itself and zips around, like a life well lived. It's spent many a nights pulled around me, laying on my Mother's lap, or her warmth tucked over my feet, the sound of waves cut by meandering pontoon boats and my family's stories. We would sip coffee and tea and eat dessert from a white rolling cart, peddled down the dock to our boat and tour the lake, remarking on cottages and waving at other passer-byers. These are my favorite memories. Stomachs full with Southside Pizza or grilled burgers, and hearts overflowing with love. Looking across out over fireworks or turtles, trolling by fishing boats, and sharing the life of family...

I'm here in the mountains, brown adirondack chair beneath me, blog on my lap, camera and phone beside me, and books and journals piled crossways at my toes. Chocolate truffle coffee creamed in my hand, sipped in slow motion, melting it in. My heart is finding rest, looking for steadfast, waiting for calm. Stirred by emotions, rumbling with thoughts, looking for ways to pour. I bring up my journal to my chest, pull it close and begin to unravel...

It's morning. Morning at the lake. Morning in the mountains.


My facebook status: "Blogging on a floating dock in the mountains of Virginia... waves slowly lapping at my side, coffee creamed in my hand, books and journals at my toes, and friends cozied under covers" inside... Morning. A good morning."