Same Job Twice.

The first time I quit, she made me.  That counselor with the tough backbone and strong sense of self, with loose black dangling clothes and way too-short hair.  That one who enabled me to find my courage again, who prodded and pushed, who made me find my own muscles strapped to skeleton.

She forced my words.  Found my courage.  She made me practice.  She listened and rewrote the words over and over again until I had no emotion in them and left the job like a business transation. Rehearsing my good-bye so it was curt, prepared, final, and freeing.

She held me to it.  Made me leave and go straight from her office.  Called me an hour later to close the accountability.

I was scared, but her force gave me courage.  I was intimidated, but she made me stand up against it.

I forgot this when I took the same job again.   I took it last spring, and started this summer, seeing what good could possibly be. I should have remembered how I felt last time, I should have remembered why I left.  I should have remembered feeling inferior and little and uncomfortable.  But I instead I remembered a cute three year old with fun mornings out and cuddling at nap time and quiet afternoons.

And today, I will quit the same job, twice.

This time, it took a village.  It took the first January Wednesday at the Lawsons, their voices all stark and strong around the table.  JD's words and Melissa's protection and Sandy's stern but loving voice of warning.  It took the women of WLT to do be my enCOURAGEment, listening for hours and giving me the strength I needed to hear.  It took Marys level gaze, Anna and Lindsays empathy, Chris' hope, Patricia's care, and their chorus' of gusto and clarity at the Saturday lunch table.  It took Mark's mom listening for hours, and Mark's freedom given to me.  It took emails from Kate and prayers from Kara.  It took a village to be the voices to give me the courage to walk away and be free.

So today, I'll hand over my letter, walk briskly to my car, and drive away.  Fearful of the storm that won't have time to brew.

Today, I'll quit the same job I once took blindly, I second took hoping, and twice will quit in need of repair.  And when I do, I will hear Kelsey's voice and her words of prayer.  Her Truth spoken, that no its not me.  I'll hear WLT, Kate, and Kelly. I'll hear Mark's mom say, "Beloved" and know God speaks its true.  I'll hear Mark's words of support and knowing he always is there beside me.  I'll hear the voices of God's people, and his Word as True.

Today I'll quit the same job twice.

And I will pray, let me hear the voices that will tell me I can still be who He created me to be.

~~~~~~~~~

My life verse:
"He who began a good work in you, Christina, will carry it on to completion, until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6