Remind Me.

I know this is not the first time I have blogged about this.  I hope to say its the last, though that may be faulty belief.  But its about Who I Am.  Because God Made Me Who I Am.

I have been rolling in this struggle for a couple of months now.  And He is trying to speak to me through the cloudiness in my brain and my inner feelings of responsibility and personal expectation.

A few years back, during struggle where I wasn't where God meant me to be, I created a sign for myself, as a stark reminder of who I was.  It was during a time where I couldn't see the good of who He made me, and just saw all the other voices or feelings of failure.  The sign was indignant to those lies.

Recently, I've been feeling much of the same.  As if I can't get my "weekend" self, my true self, to eclipse my nanny self.  I can strive and strive and strive to hear the voice of God there, but I keep feeling like a 14 year old hired to babysit, and feel small and minor and shrunken.  No matter how much I press into it and try to read verses over it, the minute the mom walks in I am creeping inside.  I am then frustrated with myself and pile on the same of it, thinking "If my confidence is in Christ, then why I am shaken?"  But the cycle is one I can't seem to get out of.  Like a dark space clouds over me and I can't pull myself free of it to breathe.

Bible Study this week was over one of my favorite verses, one I had my 8th graders memorize:  "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God..."  (I Peter 2:9)  And I sat there talking to the girls, affirming each of these with such great dignity and strength and foundation.

Yet, for some reason, when I am nannying, I can't seem to find this.  I just curl inside like one of those bugs that does it for protection, to hide.

Earlier this week, Star said, "This isn't like you.  This is toxic, you are lively and joyful and your whole demeanor seems to sag when you speak about it..."  I'm on a Women's Leadership Retreat with church this weekend, and these women keep encouraging and affirming me, and are trying to offer me the courage where I need it. And to be bold in who Christ made me, taking a stand for that in my life.

And it leaves me this question, these thoughts...

How do you have the courage to be who you are?  Especially when you love who you actually are?

I like this song by Jason Gray:
Remind Me

God, remind me who I am, and how to be that woman.