The Fat Pants.

Ladies have them. We all have a stash. That pile in the closet you refuse to look at, yet find unable to ignore. Its the "fat pant" stack. That size too big, or two too big. The ones you had to buy once, but refused to admit to. The layers of fabric wider than your will.

I looked again at the "fat pants." The glare of my hatred full of demise. No. Not them.

There is a a new meaning. A new perspective I find myself in. Revealed under a microscope labeled not my own.

Middle school consumed me, battling the fears. The tremors of worry, the weight of weight. Erupting skin and altering figure found me full of heaviness both inside and out. The months of summer, between seventh and eighth grade, striped off pounds and regained my self-esteem.

And now I look at my fat pants. The years of struggle well-behind. The confidence gained and fought for, protected and pursued. Striving to be me. And trust the body of me. Not in its perfection, but in its "me" and loving and learning to be okay with that -- "me."

The pile holds new meaning. New thoughts. New perceptions. It was always the struggle, the confidence, to find and defend the figure of me. And be comfortable and love the physical, me. But now I find myself in his love and arms and opened anew. Afresh to his knowing, and his knowing the "fat pants" me too.

Its not about me. Not anymore, just about me. Its about the fat pants, and how I want to be "me" without the fat pants, for He. I want Mark to love me, to find me, to seek me, to know me. To understand the girl of me, the woman of me, the physical of me. Without the fat pants. And beyond the fat pants.

He says nothing. He loves the deepest, the heart of me.

But I feel it inside. Knowing again and seeing this struggle in me. And work to defend my honor and self and body, not to him but to me. Its strange that I wrestle, this same tune again. In a whole different light, in my perspective of the perception of He.

Its more the struggle of me

Not of He

And though he would never say

I still feel the struggle

In me.

The Fat Pants.