Truth and Relationships.

I've been wiggling lately in several conversations over coffee and couches and cell phones.  It's the same haunting that has prickled me for a few years, leaving me still uncomfortable, but justly so.  It's that grimace of listening to those in close relationship choose lifestyles, craft choices, continually complain, or create narcissistic, negative attitudes that leave little room for joy, deliverance, repentance, hope or health.

I find myself shutting down the phone internally, while it is still on, or closing the conversation while its still going, yet then rewinding and replaying the whole struggle internally for days afterward -- so much so that it is hard to separate the conversations or choices from the person or friendship.

Thus I've been praying about this strain the last few months, weeks, days.  Asking God to reveal to me what my role is in knowing and delivering Truth, in restraining from self-righteaousness, and in continuing to offer relationship while my convictions contradict the conversations.

I remember reading and listening to several reflections on this over the years.  My friend Emily and I once had a long conversation over the tension of how to carry this cross with strength and clarity.  Each time, there is one point that is consistent, one line that does not change.  And it starts with: is the person a believer held to the Standards of God, or if the individual does not claim to bow or live under his   care and guidelines.  This principal alone, I believe, sets apart the words and form in which we are to handle Truth and relationships.

If a person does not declare the Lord as their Savior or wholly surrender to His teaching, then there are provisions made to offer grace.  Relationship should always be extended, but judgment is rarely helpful in leading them toward salvation in Christ.  Instead, acceptance and generosity are offered as the work of the Spirit alone enables their receiving of the gifts and guidance He offers.

However, for those who profess to live under the surrender and instruction of Christ, the Will of the Father, and the choices that lead to holiness and righteousness, the Word speaks with clarity and conviction.  Since the Old Testament, God has marked out laws and guides, grace and Truths, that are meant to help lead the way to a life that is set apart under his care.  This noted, the Word is poignant in for role of believers. It reads, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17).  Ouch. But that friction of truth helps create in us a holy godliness that we must be willing to submit under.  He uses his people to prune, bring clarity, and offer insight into the roads we choose or the fruit our soul bears.

Moreover, the Lord says his Word is to be used to instruct, discipline, and grow his disciples. "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful in teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness"  (II Timothy 3:16)  Paul's Epistles follow these lines and speaks forth as well as against false teaching, attitudes, and living in relationship.  Like Daniel, he uses "wisdom and tact" in discerning how God leads him to use Truth, but he still is willing to do so (Daniel 2:14).

A few years ago I was riding home from Asheville with my favorite "church" of roommates: Angela, Marilyn, and Jenelle, and we were discussing this very point: our struggle with the tension of delivering Truth while maintaining goodwill in relationships.  Riding back on 74, I remember their words distinctly, as if God gave clarity to the angles of this discussion:  "As believers, we are called under God to instruct and call out those in our life to live holy and blameless lives.  With careful words, we should talk to them about choices and honoring God according to the patterns he set before us.  However, it is that person's choice how to respond.  We offer relationship and friendship and grace in its fullness.  If they walk away from Scripture or us, that is not our prerogative.  We are to follow God first, model his grace, and leave the offer at their response."  It is not our call to fear their response, or duck because of it, or withhold a pruning because of our selfish desire to maintain a sense of harmony.

In his book, Boundaries, Henry Cloud gives insight to this concept.  He writes:  “There is a big difference between hurt and harm. We all hurt sometimes in facing hard truths, but it makes us grow...  That is not harmful. Harm is when you damage someone. Facing reality is usually not a damaging experience, even though it can hurt.” Noting the difference between hurt and harm offers some relief concerning the principle and aftermath of sharing Truth in relationship.

Yikes, this is easier said than done.  When one reads or writes, the words appear simple and clearly Divine. Yet to picture delivering Truth to the caller on the phone or the coffee date across the table, to see their faces and feel the emotion of their reply, there is an altogether other sense of strain.  Nonetheless, God doesn't always call us to the easy or peaceful, but he promises the guidance and sustainability of His presence.  He also often prepares and tends to the heart of the listener, giving them the grace to accept the discipline or words or guidance.   For God too, cares about the deliverance, acceptance, and call to holiness in Truth and relationships.