Aprons In Heaven {Revised}.

Written for the Church At Charlotte 2017 Women's Ministry Devotional, Themed: Be Present

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Aprons In Heaven.

“After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray.”  Mark 6:42

She would always wipe her hands on her apron, dusting off the day’s debris, and reach out with a two-arm hug.  Whatever had filled her hands before instantly ceased of importance the minute we walked in the door.  The iron would come unplugged.  The spatula would rest aside the bowl.  The phone would click back into its holder.  Whatever the task at hand, it wasn’t important.  We were.  She was always present for us; intentional and loving.  

When I think of being present, I think of my mom and her apron-living.  She was never without those colorful garments, yet though the work could have kept her constantly darting or endlessly preoccupied, she never wavered in the practice of being fully present with people.  I think of this present-ness with now with my own family, my friends, my neighbors, the women in the check out line and at the restaurant. I long to be someone who puts aside my agenda, and loves well because of it.  For being present, undistracted or unhurried, is to love.

When I think of being with Jesus, I’m embarrassed to think of my Bible on my lap, my phone full of texts I’m writing and reading, my to-do list open to scroll, and my availability to other people unhindered. Yet, when I think of Jesus being present with the Father, I think of the Scripture: “Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed”  (Luke 5:16).  Surely, he was in union with the Father all day, but even the Son of God needed to withdraw, undistracted, and be fully present with God.  He walked away from the crowds, from his friends, from his tasks, to be undivided with the Lord.  He was fully present in his trinitarian communion and love.  

He is our example, and this my call, to practice love by being fully present in His presence and others. And this is eternal my hope: that there are aprons in heaven, where myself, Jesus, loved ones, and my mom will all wipe away every tear and task to dwell in the very present love of the Father. 

Save Our Sons And Daughters.

We meandered through the tents and noises, Roman soldiers scattered about, beggar boys running, fish spread in the market.  Women told stories of Daniel and sold leather with candles or oils or cheese to taste.  The camel stood matted and chewing, the goats rubbing against the fence.  Jewish boys twisted the cradle while the inn keeper nodded no room.  "Did you hear, a baby has been born?!" the people said, one after another, as if in a whisper, as if in awe.  Almost with mesmerized wonder, questioning where or how but beckoning to see.  So we followed their nudges, their coaxing, their marvel, enticed and allured at what it could be.

The doors opened to farm-like, with oxen and donkey braying next to sheep.  But it was the glory of voices that awakened, almost trilling and willing us to see.  "Noel!  Noel!"  They rang, haunting and joyful, filling the sky with soprano and alto.  Amazement and wonder, they proclaimed:  a baby!

And there, cradled by mother, wrapped in white linen cloths, was he.  Literally, tiny human-boy baby, held; hardly weeks old, snuggled but all-watching, savored, bundled, He.

We watched the wiseman tarry their gifts, their eyes a glow to see him.  We watched the children set their coins; sacred wasn't missed by these.  The songs of the angels carried with honor, esteem they shouted in their "Hallelujah" and "Glory!" For unto us, they said, was both this baby, this tiny human: He.

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I sat on my kitchen floor, later that evening, spooning soft orange squash into my son's mouth, Christmas carols enchanting my lips, singing softly, then loudly as the music played.  The modern classic tumbled off my lips, like the food from Judah's, "Mary, did you know, that your baby boy would give sight to a blind man? Mary did you know, that your baby boy would calm a storm with his hand..."  And I couldn't help but reminisce and roll back through the morning tour of Walk Through Bethlehem, with new, stark, powerful, almost piercing intensity, as the words caught my chest and belted now loudly, through me.

"Mary did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water?

Mary did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?

Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?

This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you?!"

And then I stopped.  I put the spoon down.  I almost flinched in recognition, in new understanding.

This baby boy would save my son and daughter!!

When we had walked through Bethlehem earlier, the journey kept me wide-eyed and interested, peering and peeking, but when the babe in a manger was revealed, all I could partake in with wonder, was that he was real.  Real.  Like not a doll, not a plastic manger piece, not a pretend carving or bumpy-empty blanket, but real-life flesh and bones, little pursed lips and blinking eyes.  So the god-birth aside, I could only gape at the actual human-form baby.

Yet now the words trickled through my spine like sparklers igniting.  Knowledge anew, faith enhanced, life-giving bright lightning.

Save our sons and daughters!

This baby boy, this manger wrapped child, was born to save my son and daughter!  This baby boy was He!  The game changer.  The one.  The man.  Born in human flesh but the power to conquer it.  Tiny ears, crinkled fingers, rounded toes, yet pounding through hell and all adversity.

And it hit me fresh.  This babe a manger, this reason for Christmas, this new celebration, was everything.

Save my sons and daughter!

Out of this language, this line, this child, everything in heaven and earth would be uniting.  No longer would my children be stuck in sin, in doubt, in despair, in death, but would breath the hope and life and joy of eternity!  My children!  My children!  Saved from death, to life in eternity!

And then my eyes started simmering with tears -- save my sons and daughters -- from death to life, to eternity...  Means to meeting Jan Wever, their grandmother, waiting for them with expectant arms and hot brimming tea, in heaven, for eternity.

Oh joy and gladness erupted from me!  The singing turned to coarse screaming with every bit of gumption and loudness and rejoicing I could exalt, and Judah could bare!

Save our sons and daughters!

This babe born in a manger, this Christmas-child, this innocent life, would conquer it all.  And now, no longer, nothing could separate us from love of God, which is in the Christ, Jesus, the son of God [Romans 8].  And nothing would separate my son and daughter from the meeting of my mother with her grandson and granddaughter!  Not heaven or earth, life or death, situations or geography, near or far, alive or dead.  She would meet them!  They would hug her! They would hold her!   They could talk with her! They could play with her!  Because this baby in a manger came to:

Save my son and daughter!

The chorus burst into bridge:

"The blind will see!

The deaf will hear!

The dead will live again!

The lame will leap!

The dumb will speak:

The praises of the Lamb!"

The music blared, my son stared.  My arms raised out in exclamation and praise and worship.

This is why we worship this babe in the manger.  This is why we pause and stare.  This is why he shakes the kingdoms.  This is why I celebrate Christmas this year.

For this babe in a manger, this ten-toed wonder, will save my son and daughter.

- - - - - - - -

Paired reading: Isaiah 9: 2-3; 6-7

Christmas Card to Heaven.

** The writing and pattern and sounds don't really flow/make sense... 

but i'm still 'sending' this, unedited, unre-read, 

because its what I'd want to say, today... **

If I could send a Christmas card to heaven, I'd write her and this is what I'd say:

The children are flourishing!  Mom, you'd love to see!  You wouldn't imagine Camilla's giggles and squeals and wide-open eyes and smiles and face -- curious and learning, asking "why?" and questioning me.  Wanting to know about cement trucks and health care and teaching and Presidents and me.  Asking the opposites, "happy or sad?" and "healthy or sick?" and full conversations to follow.  Paragraphs, believe me.  The car is never quiet, the house is never still, she's as rambunctious as ever, but now mostly in her brain.  She sits quiet at story time and listens intently, she eyes friends and neighbors and still loves to hold my hand.  She asks questions about God and faith and belief and heaven.  Where is He?  Where is that? and I just pray for to believe.  We call them "sprouts" to see.  She's a transforming metamorphosis, from crazy to curious, loving dolls and dollhouse and some independent play.  She's a daddy's girl and Nan's favorite, reliving Michigan memories and the CYMA (ymca).  Her best friend is Kalea, and together they giggle while play.  She loves church and Bible Study and Jesus and Moses. And surely, mom, she would love you, too!

Judah is fascinating, learning something new each day.  Proud of standing and clapping and waving and saying "mama."  This month has been amazing, moving from 8-9, watching his eyes light with knowing and his body create the energy to follow suit.  His ears are so much better, the tubes have seemed to work.  He's still smiling and gummy, but now has one tooth.  His favorite thing is music, he hears the word to dance and now is our "Mr. Piano Man."  He makes sounds of anything, drums the toys and tamborine; his second favorite is the Sesame Street and clearing that little house clean.  He climbs up on Camilla's kitchen, emptying every box and bucket, then smiles that one-tooth smile knowing the mess is seen.  He doesn't care to read, but will open and close everything -- from the coffee pot to books to trash can.  He's loving unwrapping the toilet paper and time with Grandpa makes him gleam.  His eating is still frustrating; butternuts squash the staple, some smoke sausage and turkey and rice in-between.  He rarely likes to sleep, and naps are overrated, for why sleep through the night when there is mom or dad to be seen?!

Mark is dad and husband and blue-shirt wear-er.  The HOA President and small-group leader.  He wears so many hats you'd be amazed and proud and wondering and see him waring...  He's watering the grass and writing emails, grilling steaks and pushing Camilla on the swings.  He tries so hard at everything, and about that you would beam.  He's still handsome and stunning and polished, though those gray sweatpants are cozy too.  He's got a new job -- at Sealed Air -- and is working again with purpose.  He's got his passion back, and loves the people there too.  It's good to see him thriving, exhausting as that may be.  He still takes me out on dates, and we're even planning a weekend away!

We've had lots of adventures, that's what our family does.  From airplane museums to zoos, apple-picking to hot-air-balloons!  We've driven to pick pumpkins, taken the train to see the bears, swam many Saturdays at the YMCA and driven to Michigan too!  For Christmas we "visited" Bethlehem, but spent summer at Smith Mountain Lake.  Nan and Grandpa built a pool, so that will be on next-years to-do.  We've stayed busy and connected with Community Group, what chaos and commitment to add that in too!  But we want friends and Jesus followers pushing us onward and upward too.

And me, mom, I'm always swirling.  Full or wondering or wishing or wanting.  Exhausted with these endless hours, and yet still somehow thriving.  I know I'll look back and see pictures of Judah's grins or remember Camilla's giggles.  I'll find my rosy-glasses and forget how hard it really is.  But mostly mom, this Christmas season, right now I'm just missing you.

I'm missing you, with your hugs and caring, your Christmas cooking and carol-singing.  I'm missing your applause and clapping, somehow words to say you see me caring.  I'm missing Smith surprises, bustling with games on Christmas day, or holidays filled with gyms of people, joy and echoes bouncing along the way.  I'm missing you with your Christmas sweaters, your lipstick, your quiet time for tea.

I'm missing you for all the years you loved us all together, as one, as a complete and real family.

I'm missing you mom.  So I'm sending a Christmas card to heaven.

Love and hugs always, Mom.

Love,

Me

Teach Her To See.

I'm sure this is niave.  
The two-year-old mother, 
with hope-filled dreams.

But, Lord help me please, 
to teach her to see.

The garbage man waving 
in the blue-truck seat.  
The teacher bending 
to talk on one knee.  
The waitress refilling 
the coffee cup twice.  
The Bible Study teacher 
smiling so nice.  
The mail lady chatting 
with envelopes in hand, 
the blower-carrying 
lawn-mowing man.  
The story-time reader 
at the library each week, 
the dad who helped 
put shoes on her feet. 

I want her to see 
the background, the effort, 
the work, the toil 
or daily routine.  
That others put forth 
beyond just what is "seen".

So often she sits, 
with yells from her seat,  
for whatever she thinks 
she urgently needs.  
I stop, I pause, 
I bite my teeth, 
to show her, to stop her, 
to teach her to see.  
To ask her, to lend her, 
the eyes that open, 
to look who is ready, 
and then stop and see: 
her mommy still standing, 
still cutting or scooping, 
still pouring in kitchen 
to serve all the needs.   
I ask her to look, 
to wait, to listen, 
and then take those moments t
o teach her to see.

I want her to see, 
the world big or broken.  
The child who cries, 
the laborer who laughs, 
the tasks done around her, 
the people, the hands.  
To see them all working, 
or all having needs, 
and find her place serving 
or getting dirt on her knees.

In this world of so many, 
my heart tries to teach her, 
so many people, 
beyond just her needs.  
Now Lord please enable, 
this mother-heart trying, 
to equip her and show her, 
to teach her to see.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*written originally as prose, with cadence*

I'm sure this is niave.  The two-year-old mother, with hope-filled dreams.

But, Lord help me please, to teach her to see.

The garbage man waving in the blue-truck seat.  The teacher bending to talk on one knee.  The waitress refilling the coffee cup twice.  The Bible Study teacher smiling so nice.  The mail lady chatting with envelopes in hand, the blower-carrying lawn-mowing man.  The story-time reader at the library each week, the dad who helped put shoes on her feet. 

I want her to see the background, the effort, the work, the toil or daily routine.  That others put forth beyond just what is "seen".

So often she sits, with yells from her seat,  for whatever she thinks she urgently needs.  I stop, I pause, I bite my teeth, to show her, to stop her, to teach her to see.  To ask her, to lend her, the eyes that open, to look who is ready, and then stop and see: her mommy still standing, still cutting or scooping, still pouring in kitchen to serve all the needs.   I ask her to look, to wait, to listen, and then take those moments to teach her to see.

I want her to see, the world big or broken.  The child who cries, the laborer who laughs, the tasks done around her, the people, the hands.  To see them all working, or all having needs, and find her place serving or getting dirt on her knees.

In this world of so many, my heart tries to teach her, so many people, beyond just her needs.  Now Lord please enable, this mother-heart trying, to equip her and show her, to teach her to see.

Broccoli in Teeth.

"Now go and sin no more."

We call it love.

We call it grace.

We call it mercy.

We call it many things, but we do not call it what it is -- sin -- because we are afraid to actually call it out.

We shrug it off.

We brush it away.

We laugh it aside.

But we do not call it out.

Our brother or sister in Christ, standing there in their sin, and still we leave them be.

Because we are afraid of relationship.  Afraid of retribution.  Afraid of ruffling feathers.

Are we not also afraid of leaving someone in their sin?

Both sins of omission or sins of commission.

The Bible very clearly shares the story of Jesus speaking to the adulterous woman, loving her in her sin, but then freeing her of her sin by admonishing it and then instructing her to walk away from it.

"Now go and sin no more" speaks Jesus in John 8:11.

As Christ-followers, we are called to come along side others to make them more like Christ, to challenge them to be imitators of him, holy and dearly loved.

And yet we so often let this act of pruning, this iron sharpening, this willful growing, instead become slothful disobedience to his command to lend others become more like Christ.

We let them sit with their selfishness, their blatant choices, their blaring decisions.  We let them ease away from hard-work, service, and sacrifice.  We let them speak slander, mock purity, and store up storehouses of sinking treasures.

Becoming like Christ can often come through pain and discourse, scratching and squeezing.  It is uncomfortable to be molded, or whittled, like clay pots or broken trees.

Yet we let our loved ones lie.  Leaving them in their sin, their selfishness.  We call it many things, but we do not call it out, or call it sin.

We allow instead, fellowship as a false facade.  Relationships teetering to keep harmony in tact.  Passivity disguised as kindness.  Fear displayed as meekness.  Enabling masked as caring. Trepidation hiding truth.

All the while, leaving our fellow Christ-follower living in their sin, like having broccoli in their teeth.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Read more:
Speak the Truth [in Love].
Truth in Relationships.
Slow to Speak.
* Note: good discussion regarding the difference between "hurt" and "harm" in the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
** Broccoli in teeth analogy taken from Amber Porter, speaking at Every Little Step; Church at Charlotte, November 2016.

Resounding Gong.

Pinterest tree.  Perfected decor.  Matching outfit.  Sparkling candle.  Toasted wine.  Braised Ham.  Fluffed potatoes.  Golden Turkey...

Obedient children.  Spotless house.  Romanced husband.  Warm dinner.  Folded laundry.  Curled hair.  Lipsticked lips.  Jeweled ears...

"....{____} but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."  I Corinthians 13:1

I was talking with a friend last week, speaking through the holiday commotion of relationships, intersecting with meals to be made and schedules to be coordinated, when she landed on this verse, speaking, "I am a gong!" She had murmured all her efforts for relational energy, abundant generosity, billowing hospitality, and then still stepping back to feel falling short.

... but have not love! Paul writes this cutting wisdom.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angles, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

The Scripture is a still a searing, double edge sword, isn't it?!

If I am generous... If I am hospitable... If I quieted my tongue... If I served selflessly... If I quoted verses...  If I {_fill-in-the-blank_}...

... but have not love!...

I am nothing.  (vs.2)

Wow.  Ouch.  Pause.  Stop.  Breathe.

The Truth of Scripture serves as a bleeding filter to all our sinful work, motives, and energies.

... but have not love!...

So, then, Paul concerns himself with following up his calling-out with definition of what love is:

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking., it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers."

Ironically, this week in Bible Study, this is what we focused on.  This famous passage from I Corinthians 13.  So known, so recited.  So hard.  We took apart each piece of the definition and filtered it through the lens of our families and applied the sections of description through our interactions with our children, our spouses, our relatives, our people.

That magnifying lens causes a step back, revealing wide-eyes and piercing hearts.

... but have not love!...

Our efforts to complete tasks or perform duty can often be weighed on by the angst of envy, years of bitterness, fallible toil.  Record of wrongs tics as slander falls off lips.  What appears done in solitude and constraint is the actually product of a critical spirit or cynical heart.  Moreover, the labors done bear little resemblance to the fruit of the Spirit, as motives contradict the heart.

If I bought the groceries...  If I paid for private school...  If I traveled the distance... If I switched my holiday plans... If I played the game... If I made the craft...  If I washed the sheets... If I bought the toy...

If I decorated the tree... If I sent the Christmas card... If I sung the carole... If I hosted the party...

...but have not love!...

I am nothing.  I gain nothing.

I am a resounding gong, a clanging cymbal.

Just Show Up.

There are those that talk, and then there are those that do.

When my mom died, there were those that asked or talked about showing up, and then those that did. I remember both.  I remember the ones who asked and kept polite distance, still poised and seemly agape from afar, hurting more than healing in their empty effort to wait for an invitation with marked and thoughtful direction.  But I also remember the ones who just "did."  Chicken dishes cooked, blue drinks delivered, houses cleaned and floors scrubbed and laundry folded and rides received.  Emails written, voicemails made, and monthly cards stamped.

This past January my dear friend in Seattle went through a traumatic birth and delivery and section of time in NICU.  I remember wondering from afar how to "show up" for her -- book a plane ticket?  buy a gift card?  make a phone call?  I'd spend hours in the night wondering, praying, waiting, worrying.  A few months ago, another dear friend lost her baby in miscarriage and again I scurried through "solutions" as to how to "show up" for her -- drive down? send a text? order delivery meal? create space for a call?

I've been in lots of conversations about what it means to just "show up," especially this past year.  I've known people reading books about community, neighboring, and small groups with deep, delving disussions about what that looks like, while sitting in circles or in church meetings.

But what it really look like to just show up is to bring bran muffin mix on a cold frosty morning or chicken enchiladas baked hot and steaming ready.  Wendys burgers and fries and frosties delivered at the driveway or kid-books packaged in the mail.  Potting pansies on the doorstep with pumpkin muffins in a pan.  DVDs delivered with coloring books in a bag.

This past season, Mark and I have been drowning.  We've canceled commitments and wrote countless chunky checks.  We've cried for our babies and still killed the grass.  We've sacrificed sleep and scourged our schedules.  We then stepped off leading, trying to put us in a place to recieve.  We've bantered and wondered and discouraged and sunk amidst this beating and tornado that has us in its stream.  We've fought and tried and struggled and screamed.

In it, I found myself suffocating in a point of survival. With that, I didn't know what I needed.  Or how to ask.  I didn't know if I needed coffee or meals or kid-sit ... But what I did know I needed was somebody to care.

As this week unraveled, so continuously did I.  We had more doctor visits and ear infections, rashes and spots, with allergic reaction scares.  We had bills piling high and surgery scheduled and fevers spiking.  Vomit and RN calls and blisters and struggles nursing...  The slew of it kept us alone and at home, lending to loneliness and whining and boredom and cursing.

Then on Friday, a friend did the unexpected.  She just showed up.

She just showed up with Panera delivery.  Chicken Fongetga with noodle soup and crunchy soft bread and soft, chocolate chip cookie.  Her own concerns aside, baby in car, she just pulled into my drive and showed up for me.

As she left, another friend did a grocery bag drop off.  Chocolate, wine, soup, crackers.  Cute cans of ginger ale soda for sickly Camilla and applesauce packets too.  A hug through food.  Love in a bag.

Mark came home and walked in with the mail.  A card postmarked for my kids; get-well wishes with hugs and love.  And stickers.

As I went to bed that night, I couldn't help but name these things as Ebeneezers.  Ways that God just showed up and heard my lonely, exhausted, cursing-filled cries.

There are those that talk, and then there are those that do.

Be those that do.  And just show up.

The Hidden Years.

Wiggle into white chair book reading, pink pajamas and lion blonde hair.  Tiny gurgle giggles with wide mouth gummy smile, eyes lit to beaming joy, jolly cheeks dimpled in.  Cooled coffee, lukewarm from gulps between page turns and potty breaks and pacis back in.  Doll clothes strewn on floor, playmats and jumper and pink polka dot strollers mixed in.  Wooden people limbs askew, Sesame characters and plastic food flopped in conglomerate of play and past time, hours gone by and hours to come.

Jelly stuck to placemat, plate not put away; peanut butter on counter. Kleenex wrinkled and wet.   Last nights ice cream dish dried in sink.  Laundry piled, diapers stacked, shoes and hairbows dot the floor.

Bible book brought to lap; baby arching tired;  Mommy reach for microwaved coffee.  Morning has begun.

I read a blog soon after Camilla was born, its words a blessing to my soul, illustrating and capturing the phrase I needed to know, to hold, to hear:  The Hidden Years.   She wrote about these little years, these years of mommy at home.  These years of training and teaching, intention and being all-in.  Alert and available, heart owned and overseeing the home.

Hearing these words helps my heart rest, and refines my circles, my compass, my spheres.  It arches a boundary over my home, protecting my people like a canopy within.  It lets other commitments wander, other callings set to the wayside for this season, this little nestling of life.

I've had years of dreaming for this, these days with little people, with big milestones.  Dreaming of first steps and sand toys and sippy cups.  Of swing sets and Rosie dolls and stacks of board books.  Daddy dates and Disney and days adventuring in-between.

These years with daily text-pictures, lunchtime Oreos family-shared.  Silly sayings and cocked eyebrow faces.  Sprinklers run through and tubby I-spy games ensued.  Nap time snuggles and quiet-time screams.

When these Littles fill my lap, nothing else will.  They fill every space of my skin, overflowing with arms and legs and hair.  Like they fill my home, they billow into my schedule, my phone time, my space.  They bulldoze my me-time and rumple my friendships.  They squeeze what I have into their hearts and come back, asking for more.  More of me, more of their mommy.

These are hard years, these hidden years.  They are years of lonely time, without ever being alone.  Years of kitchens never cleaned and toilets circled rings.  Toddler tantrums and babies awake in the night.  Years of so many questions, googled through confusion.  So much need and so humbling to receive it.

The Hidden Years, tucked quietly (or not so) within my home.  Years only Mark and I know, only we see.  Oh he and I, and the kids, share.

Years I don't want to miss.  People I don't want to miss.  I want to be present, engulfed in them.  Raptured by their sense of roller-coaster, remembering the cuddles and the crazy become norm.  These are my people, these are our years, our Hidden Years.

~ ~ ~ ~

I've had my adventures -- oh! planes to Scotland and dancing in Spain!  Teaching with wild fire and passion and purpose.  Surely, in my weakness or my remembering, my old-self protrudes, and all I used to be bubbles forth, but doesn't remain... As much as sometimes I miss, I yearn, I crave, I long for the quiet of coffee and bakery cafes, adult conversation and the controlled life I once ordered...  I wouldn't trade them for these years, these hidden years...

Killed the Fish.

Note to Readers: A little bit different than my usual style of writing, 

but too many "funny" stories, most in the course of one week, 

bundled together for comic relief!

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Can you watch our fish this weekend?"  my neighbor text.

"I'll kill them!"

"No you won't.  They'll be fine."

"Fish die!"

"They're super easy.  They won't die."

She dropped them off on a Thursday afternoon, my friend Lindsay witnessed my frank reluctance to take them, and repeated, "Seriously, Katherine, I'll kill them.  I'm not good at this.  I'm just trying to keep my people alive.  Fish die!"

Yet Katherine, in her chill swag replied again and again, "No really, there's nothing to it.  They're   easy.  They won't die."  She goes on to relay how it's actually quiet interesting and she uses is as a science lesson with her two year old and they've had the fish for months.

By Saturday, the container was cloudy.  I texted her, worried and hesitant.  Again, she reminds me I can't hurt them and theres nothing to it.

Right, nothing to it.  One pinch of food, three times a day.  One pre-made jug of water dowsed over the top in the evening. Simple as that.  Idiot-proof.

Lie.

Monday Morning breakfast concludes and I peer into the murky water.  One, two three, four...  Where's five?!

Sunk.

Floating static on the grayed glass aquarium beads.

"I KILLED YOUR FISH!"

I text, frantic, shaking, sending photos of the stilled glofish, watching his last gulp for air.  The other swirl at the top of the tank in slow movement, as if gasping for air.

She's shocked,  "What?"  Then turns into stringing texts to find out what could have possibly gone wrong.  Eventually, realizing its dead and the others are dying, she calls another neighbor to come rescue them.  I am in complete freak-out mode and hand off the plastic jar of floppy fish with fidgety, crazed movements and billowing remorse.

I can't shake the shame and humiliation of it for hours, the waves of distress entwined with guilt continue all day.

I'm just trying to keep my people alive here, ya`all.

But I killed the fish.


*July 4, 2016
~~~


Businessmen and wives gather about, a beautiful back-porch setting complete with cowboy caviar and plucking bottle tops.  Each guy comes relaxed, rested with his friends, Bible-Study companions.  The wives linger about, all joined by these mutual men, making talk and telling stories, drinking chilled Blue Moon or sparkling Pellegrinio, make-up fresh and jewelry on.

I laugh, engage in tales, then pause and look down.

Chunky, big, brown men's flip flops.

On my feet.

The ones I don't wear out.  Not even to the grocery store.

You can't hide size 11 feet.

There I stood in a cheery, orange dress and gold shiny earrings, rubbing shoulders with the Charlotte class, in rubber Reefs.

So much for ditching the mom-do of the day.

A little lipstick can distract from dark circles, and one can conceal the nursing bra or plus-size Hanes, but one can't cover up those clunky, covered feet.


* July 7, 2016
~~~~~~~~


Hysteria screamed through the air.  Anger layered with adrenaline filled her veins.  Yanking, pulling, frantic at the door.

Bedtime at Harrisonwoods.

She hadn't napped all day, actually she hadn't napped since 21 months, so 40-minutes into this drama she was well-wound up, exceeded well-past tired, and continued to fling her frustration at the door.

She'd already tried the platonic, the "I'm hungry"  "I'm thirsty"  "I need to go potty"  or the classic that always wins "I need to poop!"  [One can sleep with a peed diaper, one can go to bed hungry, but yell that poop word and that's the real way to get mom or dad running!]  But when the string of attention lines ran out, her lure to cross the door threshold turned up a notch.

She yanked on one end, I held the handle on the other.

Mark stood behind me, watching and learning the scene.

Then all of a sudden -- jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, -- piercing screech turned wail!

Sure enough, she electrocuted herself.

Pulled on the nightlight right next to the door and must have grabbed the metal spokes when it didn't release at first tug.

Not every kid learns to stay in bed with shock therapy.

*June 2016
~~~~~~


Chaos ravaged the house.  Toys splattered the floor, from toy food to doll house parts to baby clothes and stickers, each room displayed havoc.  Days-old cheese shreds, fruit loops and chip particles still smattered the dinner rug, left unattended once again.  Even the sippy-cup container had been dumped and discarded on the pantry floor.

I was on the floor, pumping.  Oh yes, the gloriousness of that escapade.  On the carpet in my room.  Because Judah wouldn't nurse.  No, he would yank and wail instead, so here I was hooked up to the cow machine.

Meanwhile, he should have been sleeping in his crib, like other babies do.  But instead he was crying, yelling for mom and attention within that fenced in cage.

Then a loud clunk clunk clunk followed by wham! wack! thud! and curling cries came from the stairs.  I rush half-naked to look and there she lays in a heap at the bottom, sprawled out limbs beside the Dora car she had tried to drag up the stairs.

And this was just one five-minute segment of the day.

Tension consumed me; discipline my battleground; anxiety wrapped my chest.  The afternoon drug on and I was like taunt spandex, stretched past my limit and now in tears.  Frustrated, defeated, embarrassed at my parenting, lack of patience, quick temper, and fighting every breath with my children. It was almost 4 o'clock so I chucked the kids in the car and headed to the Y.

In a huff, I checked them into childcare, a nervous wreck about leaving them there for the first time, worried and wrought in mind and emotions, but nonetheless I swatted the stickers on their back, and turned around.

Black dress and flip flops.

I wore a black dress and flip flops to work out at the Y.

What was I thinking?!

Oh wait, I wasn't.  All I was thinking is we were not going to all make it through the afternoon alive, or at least without stormy, heavy regret.  And I had enough of that already.

So in my stupor to get out of it all, I had worn a black dress and flip flops to the Y.

Classic.

At least that explains my numb toes on the walking track.

* June 12
~~~~~~~

I was standing juggling Judah, telling the above stories to friends, them laughing about the craziness of actually killing the fish and how it was so funny that I even warned her.  I'd wiped up the last feedings reflux from my shirt and shorts and let the stink settle in the fabric.  Finally, friend time.

Then I looked down.  I know that face, that stance.  A mother can recognize it from across any room.  The I'm-peeing-my-pants-right-now face.  Only the pants included the dripping to the round puddle on the wood floor, expanding as I spoke.

I sucked in my breath and walked her to the bathroom, leaving Emily to disinfect the floor.  Dress left on, bow still intact, she walked out cleaned-up and comando to finish the playdate.

Picking back up on my stories, somewhere between the aquarium fiasco and the YMCA scene, hands flailing in dramatics, I heard Megan say,  "Is that...?"  she pauses mid-statement and my eyes follow hers, answering the rhetoric, "Oh no!"

Poop.

Two great big logs laying right by my feet, my daughters feet, on the carpet.

Horrified, I grab papertowel in shock and pick up the remains, ushering her back to the bathroom.  I'm wordless, wondering what to do, how long to stay, or how to just pack up my children and ego and go.  We come back out, bracing myself with a smile to hide the sting.

The visiting mom remarks, "Wow, that was really well-formed..."

What else does one say in the moment of mortification?


*June 14
~~~~


Seriously, in this stage of life, it's all I can do to keep my people alive.

But I did kill the fish.

Kissing In The Kitchen.

One of the greatest blessings in my life was how much my parents loved each other, and how I knew, saw, witnessed and rested in this love.  For 32 years of marriage they found joy in each other, and acted like dating teenagers still around the time that she died.  There's a picture somewhere, taken by a professional photographer, the year she died, of both of them sitting on the gazebo holding hands and laughing, then another kissing.

They kissed a lot, and every where.  They kissed in the morning; they kissed at night.  They kissed after work and before church.  They'd kiss on vacation, kiss in the boat, kiss in the kitchen.

Kissing in the kitchen, and everywhere in-between, embossed their days with each other, for each other and others to see.  A stamp of love declaring they were one, one in joy and union and life and heart.  It wasn't blatant or sloppy or awkward or blunt, but simply life and love, like holding hands on errands or couch cuddling to sitcoms or touring on weekends away.  This physical pattern of love was marked and made and molded in life and memory.

As a child, I never blinked about it, or thought it unique, their love unashamed and unaware.  As a teenager, I remember hearing my aunt exclaim this was a gift they were giving us, this present to love each other enough, to love in the presence of others.

As an adult, I now know the difference, the gift, the love they gave.

They gave it to each other.  They gave their laughter and friendship, their free time and fun time.  Their belt-loop finger-linger's and hand-to-knee in church.  They gave songs and swift feet for dancing, dinners in the tropics, and date nights in GR. They gave their compliments and praises, their boasting and bragging, confident in each other, and what the other had done.

And they gave it to us.  Their steadfast love and safety, to each other, to create our home.  This secure sense of happy union, solid in their foundations, pronounced with positivity, affection, love, and the always-constant -- kisses in the kitchen.