Daunting.

During wedding season, I barely looked through wedding magazines.  They were the dreams brides are made of, all put together with pretty invitations and elaborate centerpieces and lists of how-tos and planning guides and color schemes and bridesmaid dresses and veil styles and favor ideas and laced white gowns and ceremony suggestions and sentimental song lists and sparkling rings and...  Whew.  That's exactly how I felt.  So I set stacks aside and stayed with simplicity and myself.

And now I stare birth in the face.  It's the third trimester and today I hit a moment where those first few weeks just exploded in my psyche.  Mark and I have visited friends who were one-two months new parents.  These couples most seemed crazily overwhelmed, unshowered, and full of woes when it came to having that little one at home.  I can see their faces at church, or on their couch, or in a chair feel their fear and heaving forever imprinted in my mind.

As I look ahead I think of their emotions and all of a sudden everything feels overwhelming.  The "world" likes to prepare, warn, laugh or look with pity and throws its layer of words to the pile, making that little baby seem like depression already won:  sleepless nights, pain in breastfeeding, no couple time, etc...  Oh joy,  thanks.  Then there's the how-to books and advice and every woman's story, contradicting each other left and right...  (For a small taste of how this looks/feels read here:  http://www.charlottemomsblog.com/2014/01/07/sleep-advice/)

When I hear these words, think these thoughts, read this language I am frozen in fear.  Can I do it?  What if I can't get out of bed because I'm so exhausted and my baby just cries?  What if I feed her the wrong amount or at the wrong time?  What if I don't know what that cry means?  Its paralyzing, daunting.

When I approached marraige, the world spoke and warned of "ball and chain" or "institution" or "wait to you live with his quirks."   However, to create a wall between that fear and negativity, I  kept thinking of my parents' marraige and the love and joy they still expressed fully after 32 years.  Their legacy left no fear. Additionally, I remember one woman from church speaking strongly: "Marraige is great.  And don't let anybody tell you differently."  Ahhh, hope.

Today I picked up a pregnancy/birth book and after a few chapters felt so fearful and daunted that my insides started to squeeze.  And I thought back to those engagement days and the strategies and examples that helped make marraige a joy...

Which means today, I shut the book and grabbed sparkling cider.  And I thought of my sisters.  I don't know what it is about my family, but somehow everyone received a good dose of optimism and perspective and they live with a worldview that reflects that.  So I think about Melissa and Blake sharing Judd into Mark and I's arms and smiling about the birthing room and being relaxed about the new-parent days they were in.  And I think of Kelly who joined the Smith shopping trip two weeks after Jaxson was born and simply staying positive and having fun and joining in their general conversation.  These two women for me are the voices I need, the inspiration for starting parenting, and the reminder to not over-research or take everything too seriously.

So with that, Lord, lift my heart up and protect me from the daunting.